|By Robert Cohen Executive Director|
God made me do it!
Last night, I had a dream. God came to me, and told me to build a slaughterhouse. I can still feel the words: "The end of consumption of cow flesh has come before me; for the earth is filled with violence wrought by those who slaughter my gentle creatures. Behold, I will destroy the bovines who inhabit the earth, through you." I remember asking why I was chosen to do God's work in a dream, of all places. "I am the notmilkman, not Noah." God laughed, and said, "Noah had three children, you do too." I responded, "Yes, God, Noah had three sons. Shem, Ham, and Japheth. I have three daughters. Sarah, Jen, and Elizabeth." I bathed in the warmth of God's smile, as he said unto me, "So similar sounding, these names, and you continue to deny that your destiny is a part of God's infinite plan?" Well...it may have been only a dream, but I can be easily led through the narcotic stupor of dreamland. "What would you have me do, God?" "Make thee a slaughterhouse of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make within, and shalt erect cameras and microphones so all shalt see their pain and suffering, and hear their cries. Glass walls shalt stand without. The length of the slaughterhouse shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits." "Forgive me, God, but what is a cube-it, and where am I going to get the money to buy gopher wood and glass? Before long, I had been given the entire plan, which is now etched in my brain. Lottery tickets. God said something about the New Jersey lottery Big Game payout being near 100 million dollars. He gave me no numbers, but I guess the fix is in. I'm to let the computer pick the numbers. I vowed to buy tickets first thing in the morning. Before waking up, I can remember questioning God's plan. In the periphery of my consciousness, I wondered whether Alex Hershaft would invite me to speak at this year's AR-2003 conference if I owned a slaughterhouse. In any event, Paul McCartney did say something to the effect that if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everybody would become a vegetarian. Hey, everybody thought Noah was crazy too, and his neighbors avoided him during the construction phase. Imagine what the animal rights people are going to say about me when my slaughterhouse becomes operational? They'll shun me like the plague. Come to think of it, that in itself may be one of God's miraculous blessings. In any event, I've now got all of the necessary building permits, and will be breaking ground soon. The actual slaughter room will contain state-of-the-art lighting and a sophisticated electronic sound stage. A three camera shoot will capture arterial blood sprays. Post production will allow me to edit screens with the horrors of death. Bulging eyes. Animals choking on their own blood. Worms and parasites living within intestines. I don't imagine that anybody will be immune to the real horror of compassionate slaughter. All brought to you live on streaming video. Each night, 8PM, Eastern Daylight time. We'll kill the children first. Veal calves. Lambs. Baby horses. Somewhere around 11 PM we'll slaughter the giant beasts. The Holsteins. Some will simultaneously give birth at the moment of death for our West Coast audience. We'll be auctioning off pocketbook udders on E-bay. Every animal to be slaughtered will have a name. Perhaps children will play with them before the moment arrives for each of their turns to die. God said nothing about a Disney-like tram ride, but this could become quite the attraction. I'll invite schools to visit, so that indelible images of death can be witnessed by first and second graders. Maybe McCartney will write the song to the tune of Disneyworld's "It's a Small World After All." "Watch the butcher slice their throats, Tummy and intestines, digested oats, Kill the chickens, lambs and goats, It's a small world after all..." Streaming video on the world-wide web. Major magazines. Newspaper stories. Perhaps a documentary, or pay-per-view extravaganza. Celebrity slaughter? Let's see. At $39.95, with 1.8 million homes buying in...I'll get Tyson and Monica, and what's her name...that woman who sued Clinton. Oh, and Tanya Harding too. Wonder how long it will take before everybody becomes a vegetarian? One thing is for certain. Animal rights activists continue to alienate meat eaters, as they have done these past twenty years. Per capita meat and chicken consumption continues to soar, as confirmation that America's animal rights movement has become unproductive in its impotence. http://www.slaughterhousecam.com
Robert Cohen, author of: MILK A-Z
Executive Director (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Dairy Education Board
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