The SHOT OF MILK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD
Who killed that man whose picture is on American $10 bills?
Soon everybody who watches television will know.
Tomorrow (July 11, 2002) marks the 198th anniversary of that
famous duel to the death between Aaron Burr and Alexander
Burr was once a very powerful politician, and served as vice
president of the United States. He actually tied in the vote
for the presidency, but decided to let Jefferson rule, while
he accepted the vice presidency.
His power struggle with President Jefferson, and subsequent
duel with Hamilton, shaped the course of American history.
From there on, Aaron Burr's name was mud. His reputation
plummeted to levels lower than rancid milk, and he went
bankrupt shortly hereafter. Burr ended up on everybody's hit
list, and was tried for treason for attempting to get the
Western states to secede from the union.
Such a nice guy? The dairy industry believes so. This week,
in memory of this colonial troublemaker extraordinaire, the
milk producers will be memorializing Burr with their:
"Awooon Buuuhh," milk mustache ad.
The TV ad visits an American history buff stuffing an
enormous peanut butter and jelly sandwich into his mouth
while listening to a radio station. Suddenly, the phone
rings, and the announcer asks the $10,000 trivia question:
Who shot Alexander Hamilton?
Our hero, unable to talk, chokes on his own words. He
reaches for an empty glass of milk, and pathetically
Of course, his response is unintelligible to the radio host.
Our hero loses. The ad finishes by asking: "Got Milk?"
A glass of milk will certainly unclog the sticky nut butter
adhering to one's upper palate. So will a glass of apple
juice or a glass of water. That same glass of milk will
enter the stomach sac with the peanut butter and Wonder
Bread, and do wonders for digestion. Milk buffers gastric
pH, so that peanut butter literally sticks to the ribs,
undigested. Milk reduces the acidity of one's stomach so
that foods become more difficult to digest.
Next time you find yourself eating a peanut butter sandwich,
chew slowly, and drink water, or juice, or soda, or anything
but milk. Your stomach will thank you, and you will not be
dueling later on with Pepto Bismol.