By Robert Cohen Executive Director Text Only

Why Did The Cow Run Away From The Slaughterhouse?

More than three million dairy cows (35% of cows
being milked) will be sent to slaughterhouses and
butchered this year in America.

Occasionally, one bovine gets that rare notion into
her mind to bolt for freedom. More often than not,
amused meat-eating humans see this as a sign of divine
intervention. Newspaper accounts of escapes often
result in rescue and resettlement for that lucky cow.

Which brings us to today's question:

Why Did The Cow Run Away From The Slaughterhouse?
by Robert Cohen

(With apologies to "Why did the chicken
cross the road?" quipsters)...


Give praise to Allah that we hid those shells in an
underground bunker below one of my 200 new palaces, far
from probing CIA inspectors. Her escape was an unprovoked
act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
anthrax spores on this Holstein cow. With a name like that,
we knew that she had to have been a Zionist spy.


Before getting to the slaughterhouse, the cow was injected
with genetically engineered hormones and antibiotics, and
her body was polluted by toxic air containing dioxins and
other pollutants unchecked by industrialist greed. Although
she quickly retreated from that house of slaughter, her flight
to freedom was unsafe at any speed. It is both unfortunate
and ironic that she was crushed to death by a poorly designed
and unstable SUV.


I invented the dairy industry. I invented slaughterhouses.
Therefore, the escaping cow represents the application of
two different functions of commerce in a new, reinvented
way designed to bring greater services to the American people.


Vice President Cheney, Condaleezza and I are anonymous
in our agreement. The three of us don't really care why
that cow escaped from the slaughterhouse. We must utilize
all of those homeland resources available to our intelligence
community and determine whether that animal is with us or
against us. There is no middle ground here.


If many more cows run away from slaughterhouses, they
will steal jobs from decent, hard-working Americans.


I don't know why the cow ran away, but you can bet your
bottom dollar that some femi-Nazi, animal rights, tree
hugger got a government grant to rescue the animal which
should have produced twenty or thirty steaks for yours
truly. How much more of this can real Americans take? Cows
escaping slaughterhouses paid for by their tax dollars, and
when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money
the government took from you to build roads for cows to
run away on.


Because the cow was a lesbian! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The Bible
promises us a land filled with milk and honey and beef.
Cows running away do so against God's will. This abomination
would not have been performed by a heterosexual cow.


Did the cow run away?
Does one do this every day?
Yes, the cow, she's on the lam,
What's left for lunch? Green eggs and ham!


To die. In the rain. Alone.


I have a dream! I envision a world where all cows of all
color will be free to escape from the slaughterhouse without
having their motives called into question.


Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to
Elsie the cow tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story
of how she experienced a serious case of the runs and went on to
accomplish her life-long dream of living in a field, eating
grass, and not being forced to donate her milk to human children.


Imagine all of the cows living their lives in peace.
All we are saying is give peace a chance.


It is the nature of cows to run away from knives.


It was an historical inevitability.


I may not agree with what the cow did, but I will
defend to the death her right to do it.


To boldly go where no cow has gone before.


The fact that you are at all concerned that the cow
used her id, ego, and superego to escape and save her
enormously grotesque udders from a butcher's knife
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


I have just released eCow 2003, which will not only escape
from slaughterhouses, but will melt ice cream, make all
cheese smell like rancid limburger, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eCow.


No one called to warn me which way that cow was going. I
had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my cheese
and butter futures when the price dropped below USDA's
support price. No wallstreet bulls gave me insider information.


Did the cow really escape the slaughterhouse floor,
or did the floor move beneath the cow?


I did not go to the butcher with THAT cow. What do you mean by
udder? Could you define udder, please? I admit that I once licked
an ice cream cone, but I did not swallow.


And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the cow, "Thou
shalt escape from the slaughterhouse." And the cow did escape, and
there was much rejoicing.


I missed one?

Robert Cohen, author of:   MILK A-Z
Executive Director (
Dairy Education Board

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