|By Robert Cohen Executive Director|
Why Did The Cow Run Away From The Slaughterhouse?
More than three million dairy cows (35% of cows being milked) will be sent to slaughterhouses and butchered this year in America. Occasionally, one bovine gets that rare notion into her mind to bolt for freedom. More often than not, amused meat-eating humans see this as a sign of divine intervention. Newspaper accounts of escapes often result in rescue and resettlement for that lucky cow. Which brings us to today's question: Why Did The Cow Run Away From The Slaughterhouse? by Robert Cohen (With apologies to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" quipsters)... SADDAM HUSSEIN Give praise to Allah that we hid those shells in an underground bunker below one of my 200 new palaces, far from probing CIA inspectors. Her escape was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping anthrax spores on this Holstein cow. With a name like that, we knew that she had to have been a Zionist spy. RALPH NADER Before getting to the slaughterhouse, the cow was injected with genetically engineered hormones and antibiotics, and her body was polluted by toxic air containing dioxins and other pollutants unchecked by industrialist greed. Although she quickly retreated from that house of slaughter, her flight to freedom was unsafe at any speed. It is both unfortunate and ironic that she was crushed to death by a poorly designed and unstable SUV. AL GORE I invented the dairy industry. I invented slaughterhouses. Therefore, the escaping cow represents the application of two different functions of commerce in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. GEORGE W. BUSH Vice President Cheney, Condaleezza and I are anonymous in our agreement. The three of us don't really care why that cow escaped from the slaughterhouse. We must utilize all of those homeland resources available to our intelligence community and determine whether that animal is with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. PAT BUCHANAN If many more cows run away from slaughterhouses, they will steal jobs from decent, hard-working Americans. RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the cow ran away, but you can bet your bottom dollar that some femi-Nazi, animal rights, tree hugger got a government grant to rescue the animal which should have produced twenty or thirty steaks for yours truly. How much more of this can real Americans take? Cows escaping slaughterhouses paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for cows to run away on. JERRY FALWELL Because the cow was a lesbian! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The Bible promises us a land filled with milk and honey and beef. Cows running away do so against God's will. This abomination would not have been performed by a heterosexual cow. DR. SEUSS Did the cow run away? Does one do this every day? Yes, the cow, she's on the lam, What's left for lunch? Green eggs and ham! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I have a dream! I envision a world where all cows of all color will be free to escape from the slaughterhouse without having their motives called into question. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to Elsie the cow tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how she experienced a serious case of the runs and went on to accomplish her life-long dream of living in a field, eating grass, and not being forced to donate her milk to human children. JOHN LENNON Imagine all of the cows living their lives in peace. All we are saying is give peace a chance. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of cows to run away from knives. KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability. VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the cow did, but I will defend to the death her right to do it. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no cow has gone before. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the cow used her id, ego, and superego to escape and save her enormously grotesque udders from a butcher's knife reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eCow 2003, which will not only escape from slaughterhouses, but will melt ice cream, make all cheese smell like rancid limburger, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eCow. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that cow was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my cheese and butter futures when the price dropped below USDA's support price. No wallstreet bulls gave me insider information. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the cow really escape the slaughterhouse floor, or did the floor move beneath the cow? BILL CLINTON I did not go to the butcher with THAT cow. What do you mean by udder? Could you define udder, please? I admit that I once licked an ice cream cone, but I did not swallow. THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the cow, "Thou shalt escape from the slaughterhouse." And the cow did escape, and there was much rejoicing. RONALD MCDONALD I missed one?
Robert Cohen, author of: MILK A-Z
Executive Director (email@example.com)
Dairy Education Board
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